Last week, I suffered a minor setback writing my book. One of my friends backed out, he outright ghosted me, and I was left adrift in uncertainty.
You see, I did something that offended him. I didn’t know he would be affected that much. I know what I did was wrong. I tried to call to apologize and make amends. But I was blocked, unfriended, and ignored.
I lost my footing then. How do you deal with that? How does somebody in this day and age deal with that? I’m a child of the eighties, we ghosted people then. But during that era, social media did not exist. If somebody ghosted you and you want to know what they’re up to, you will resort to some kind of stalking. Real-Life Stalking. Which I won’t do.
So, with this scenario, I had to pick up the pieces. My former friend left a hole in my plan, but it’s not the end of the world. I have to look at the bigger picture.
This is how my book works, for those who don’t know—
I am writing about a controversial topic. I’m not going to reveal it because I don’t want to alienate people dear to me. I’ve always been part of this not-so-secret community, and sometimes we hide behind aliases because we tend to be stigmatized.
(No, it’s not an LGBTQ thing. I am a heterosexual woman.)
I’m working on a collection of stories about members of this community, including stories of people who are open about their convictions and those who remain in the closet. I’ve interviewed twelve people from this community, one of them being my ex-friend.
I envision having thirteen stories in total, with my story being the 13th one. Why? I like the number 13 because I was born on a Friday the 13th, and instead of shying away from it, I’ve claimed 13 as a personal badge.
With my ex-friend backing out, I am left with one story short. My book plan involves gathering the stories (which will be the 12 chapters, excluding mine) and completing the learning sessions with my publishing mentor. Subsequently, I will proceed to finalize the full manuscript. And from there onwards, I will simply go with the flow.
What’s in front of me now is to get the stories compiled, edited, and put together into a comprehensive document that my publisher will work on.
But what to do? I need another friend willing to contribute to my cause.
I’ve been practicing gratitude recently. And based on my recent experience, which I will share now, I can tell you it’s not just a bunch of woo.
Being skeptical in nature, I did some research on gratitude before jumping on the bandwagon. I found evidence in neuroscience that gratitude works, according to studies, gratitude practice can strengthen specific brain areas like the amygdala, the right dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, and the left dorsal anterior cingulate cortex. These areas are associated with emotional control and resilience.
While I haven’t become a full-fledged believer yet, I’m gradually embracing gratitude in my life. More specifically, I’m working on shifting my focus toward what’s working (the majority) rather than dwelling on not working (the minority).
Now, let me share my recent experiment with gratitude. It’s personal proof that gratitude works; no woo involved.
Yesterday morning, while I was still licking my wounds from the ghosting, I scrolled my Facebook feed and found a solution to my dilemma. I spontaneously asked a person if he could contribute to my book. And he said yes! What’s more amazing was that we interviewed right there and then on Facebook Messenger. I didn’t have to wait that long, my wish was granted. In today’s lingo, it manifested.
But before we credit that to magical thinking, let’s assert some grounded truths: I would not have looked for another participant if I was wallowing in the sorrow of losing my ex-friend. I was looking at the big picture, and I was only able to do this because I was looking at the things that were going for me with my book (90%) versus the things that were not progressing as well as planned (10%).
Isn’t looking at the 90% progress instead of the 10% setback logical? But why, despite the fact that we are rational human beings, do we keep on looking at the potential pitfalls and the slipups that happened? Pin it down to the human propensity for what psychologists call “negative bias.”
I’m guilty of negative bias. But we all are—it’s something embedded in our reptilian brain, all the way back to the Age.
So, I am doing what I can to rewire my brain. I practice gratitude by consciously taking note of what happened right and looking at the big picture. Right now, the big picture for me as a writer involves publishing my first book. I strive to tune into gratitude every day, as much as possible. It’s still a struggle to counter negative bias, but I’m getting better at it. Gratitude is gradually shifting my self-belief and I’m trusting people more. It makes me appreciate what I have, it makes me appreciate my friends and my loved ones more. And finally, it makes me want to give back.
Before I end this piece, I would like to say thank you to my new contributor. He generously shared his story so I can continue with my book as planned. From the bottom of my heart, my heartfelt thanks, newfound friend.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
