When people ask why I resigned, I say, “burnout.” It’s a concise way to describe the nature of the beast. As a psychologist, I recognized the signs—fatigue, anxiety, and a sense of impending doom—but I ignored them. I ignored them until my body began to protest. I felt a lump on my breast and all of a sudden, here I am again with questions about how long I have to live.
Looking back, I realize it wasn’t the mistake that upset me—it was the lack of control over the timing of my departure.
Still, what if I have less time than I think—would I still do this job?
The answer is yes, but maybe instead of working for others I can work for myself. Be a consultant like all the other psychologists I emulate. Get my first book out, write the second one (my monster of a book project), and finally get my doctorate. Do it all for myself, first.
Traditional Chinese Medicine explains that depression happens when the flow of qi is disrupted, when your heart is not at peace. After I filed my resignation, I felt ill for a week, and up to now, I am still grieving. Part of this process is recognizing what I have lost, and because I quit, I am giving up some of my needs: stability, structure, and a sense of legitimacy. However, holding down this corpo job made me neglect my other needs.
In one of the courses I was taking on emotional well-being, I stumbled upon this poignant quote by Martin Seligman:
“If you can find a way to use your signature strengths at work often, and you also see your work as contributing to the greater good, you have a calling. Your job is transformed from a burdensome means into a gratification. The best understood aspect of happiness during the workday is having flow—feeling completely at home within yourself when you work.”
This course also helped me identify my top character strengths: love, creativity, hope, curiosity, and bravery. The instructor emphasized that if you can cluster four of these strengths in a job, it stops being just a job and becomes a calling. Right now, this is the advice I need, and I’m trying to figure out how to follow it.
What kind of job will allow me to use my signature strengths? I don’t know the answer… yet. I’ve started reaching out to people (maybe you’re one of them) because I need insight and guidance, and it’s highly likely I have to fly solo. While those structures provide stability, they often leave no room for my clever, creative mind to explore. To kill my curiosity and creativity would be to deny my very essence.
Another area I neglected to fully consider was my need for time affluence—the freedom to work on my own schedule. Nope, being time-tracked to the minute and being a slave of Excel spreadsheets won’t do. I know better now.
As I search for my next role (roles?), I’m accommodating not just my strengths but my so-called weaknesses. It’s okay, I tell myself.
You’re forgiven for being imperfect, for quitting, for not walking the straight and narrow path of corporate success.
I’m off to better shores, wherever they may be. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.
