Originally published sometime 2016
Today I did not write for work.
Instead, I rid myself of a burden I’ve been carrying for so long.
I let go of self-hate.
I’ve forgiven myself, for not being perfect.
I have now allowed myself to be.
I have now allowed myself to exist.
I will do things the way I do now. I will not do it how “someone” expected me to do it.
(May it be writing, eating, working, cleaning, exercising.)
I’ve lived so long under the specter of my deceased father and his expectations.
In such a way that anything I do I feel like I need to follow someone’s expectations. I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of challenge, I am afraid to exist.
My father also equated parenthood with sacrifice, and I embodied this when my kids were age 0 to now.
I realize now, that this is approach is wrong.
(Also, my children are at an age where they are still needy, but not so needy that they cannot understand (simple) logic or basic hygiene.)
I realize now that I do not need to sacrifice myself to fulfill my children’s needs. I can say, “Enough!” and it won’t be cause significant emotional harm.
(With due logical reasoning, of course.)
My idea of parental sacrifice is overrated. I can still be a good parent and retain my identity.
I can be a good parent and be myself. If I void myself of my needs in order to “give my children the best”, I am sending the following messages:
My children should be thankful to me forever and ever because I sacrificed for them.
Therefore, they are beholden to me
If you really love someone, you should deny your own needs/wants/desires. Or you do not really love them.
Messages 1, 2, and 3 were the messages broadcasted in stereo to me growing up.
I have decided to cease automatic transmission to the next generation.
These messages will not be passed on because they are poisonous.
I can honor myself, respect myself, and love myself. I will model self-love to my children.
Note that this does not mean self-indulgence. This just means basic positive self-regard. I have suffered from low self-esteem all my life. My children will not inherit this.
So today, all day, I asked family for help. I asked my kid to help me,a nd my husband to help me with my mental health.
Unlike my family of origin, my-family-now is loving and accepting. I will not be thrown out for making a mistake. By asking for help, I am saying,
“I am not a perfect parent. I make mistakes. I am able and willing to ask for help. I cannot do it alone.”
And, “Mental health is important. If you need to ask for help, there’s no shame about it.”
I tell myself, “Even if you are not perfect, you will be loved.”
“Because that is what a family does. A family loves, supports, and accepts who you are.”
So today, I know that I can simply be.
I can just be me.
So today I throw away my food hoarding habit, that anorexic food hoarding habit.
Oh yes, I will still be very controlling of food (yes, I am still a work-in-progress), but I find that I have the capacity to love myself now.
I can love myself now.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
