Recently, I received negative feedback from my immediate supervisor. My immediate reaction was, “I want to quit this job.” I had to step away from my home office and do some deep breathing to calm myself down. When I returned to my work, the urge to quit went away, but that experience left me with a bitter taste.
It’s logical to expect criticism from bosses, it’ll keep on coming. Intellectually, I have ascertained that they, whoever they may be, are not the ones making my life miserable. The true source of my unhappiness lies in my interpretation of events, particularly those that I perceive as harming my ego.
And my ego is a fragile creature without a shell. Any contact, however slight, with anything remotely abrasive causes pain. You could say I’m overly sensitive to criticism, even perceived criticism. This self-critical nature makes everything sting, especially when it comes to my competence and worthiness.
I recall being 15 years old and experiencing chronic back pain. My mother took me to the hospital for a comprehensive check-up, and physical therapy was recommended. One statement from the physical therapist forever branded my brain.
“Some people feel the pain too much.”
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the meaning, but this phrase would constantly replay in my head whenever issues of pain sensitivity and tolerance came up. Apparently, my problem is I savor the pain, I give it undue attention. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as trauma pleasure.
This tendency is also linked to my inclination to pick on wounds. A minor imperfection morphs into a larger issue until all of a sudden it’s an indelible stain. I am unable to let go, and I continue to pick until there’s blood, a bald patch of hair, and now there’s proof I f***ed up.
Trauma pleasure feeling happy that you’re suffering. It’s mild sadomasochism. It conveys the message, “Look at me, I’m in pain…Oh, I love the pain.” But what’s the goal of this behavior? Why would anyone choose to endure torture?
Psychology explains that, for a traumatized person, reenacting their trauma can be an attempt to regain control over their ordeal. I’ve witnessed this firsthand in abused children who weave their stuffed toys into storylines mirroring their pain. Through play, they unconsciously express their yearning for control over their trauma. Therapists working with these children know a breakthrough has occurred when the narrative shifts and the play takes on a glimmer of hope or a better outcome. This signals that healing has begun.
I tend to focus solely on the negative aspects of feedback. Furthermore, I amplify the message, layering on self-insults as I go. This behavior unconsciously reenacts a pattern of seeking pleasure in pain. The need to deeply feel and hold onto the pain, a distorted attempt at control, stems from my childhood with a verbally and emotionally abusive father. I suffered under his care for too many years, and this kind of love was all I knew. So every time I stand before authority figures, especially men, my father’s shadow falls upon them.
But here’s the reality: in life, we inevitably receive negative feedback, even criticism. However, it is not my boss’s responsibility to reeducate me; it is mine. I have to deal with my own issues, I have to deal with me. What transpired recently has made me realize I need a better approach when it comes to criticism. If I don’t accept the lesson, I won’t evolve. It’s a gift, that is if I open my arms to it.
True, I was once a victim, but I don’t need to hold onto these patterns of thought anymore. When I was very young, they safeguarded my vulnerable psyche from harm. But now, they no longer serve me. I won’t be their captive audience anymore.
I’m okay being who I am, and at the same time, I can still improve. I’m worthy, but far from perfect. That’s okay because it’s no different for anyone else! I’m not exceptionally smart, and neither am I exceptionally dumb. I’m simply average, and you know what? I’ll take average. I bet your life is also an ongoing wild ride of ups, downs, and in-between moments. We’re all under the same sky, and our time is limited. So we might as well get our fill of happiness.
I can’t conclude this essay properly, but maybe that is not the point. My story with criticism, how I process and interact with it, is still unfolding.
But I see some good outcomes coming. A few days ago, I attended the company’s year-end party. I finally put faces to names, connecting with people I only interacted with remotely in MS Teams. I was able to socialize and talk to people and they shared their experiences–their experiences were not too different from mine.
The most significant takeaway from the party is I am not lagging behind, nor am I ahead. I have my share of special talents and worthy contributions to this workplace. I am part of the company’s diverse workforce. If I get criticized or praised, it’s normal. Everybody gets treated the same.
All offices have their difficulties. Who can say that changing companies will leave them behind? I must deal with my aversion to criticism and raise my self-esteem so that the desire to quit will stop plaguing me. I must stop indulging it. Because if I don’t resolve this inner turmoil, I will just keep on finding other people or circumstances to blame.
What matters most is my willingness to sit and learn, realize, and act. I find myself willing to sit still with the uncomfortable feelings–likely, I will squirm and protest, moan, and self-pity.
But after these subside, I will want to fight. Why? Because I want to survive.
Just like you. You want to survive too. And when I feel weak and want to give up, I will reach out to you. Because I’m learning to trust and believe that not everyone is out to hurt me. People are complicated, and when I hear no, that is normal. When I hear “wait,” that is normal. When I get feedback, it could be positive, negative, or neutral. Ninety percent of the time, I shouldn’t even take comments personally. After all, other people’s feelings, thoughts, and biases are not my responsibility to bear. Only mine.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
