Bonding with new girls, ehm, women

At age thirty-six, I have fewer female friends than I would like to have.

Where have my friends gone?

Why have I been too busy to meet them?

What drew us apart?

I would like to think that it was but natural to drift apart because we work in different places, we have children, or we are just too busy. Besides, if it was just about updating, there’s always Facebook, right?

I’ve been reading about female rivalry. Written by Susan Shapiro Barash. She quotes Dr. Ronnie Burak, a Clinical Psychologist:

“On an everyday basis, women are insecure. If they have not accomplished enough in their lives, they will be envious of those who have done more. This applies to women of every age and stage

In addition, Barash writes that “women of all ages [say] everything they wanted – love, marriage, work, family – [is] in short supply, and that only the best-looking, sexiest, and most ambitious women could ‘have it all’. So whenever things got though, [women] sacrifice the beloved girlfriend.”

Barash’s book is entitled Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth about Women and Rivalry. Reading it, I could not help but reflect on what I have done to my beloved girlfriends.

Maybe I avoided them because I was competing with them.

I have not been actively competing with them, but when I take a good look at myself, I admit that I do. I scroll down my Facebook feed and check out what is happening to a friend and I am instantly thinking, “Hah, at least I have kids.” Or, “Ha, I have a sound marriage.” Or conversely, “I suck, I wish as I had her job.” Or, “I wish I could be free like her to travel the world.”

Two days ago, I found myself sitting with these thoughts as I met three new people. These women were new to me, at least in terms of a face-to-face, live encounter. Specifically, I met Joni, Aiza and Jenn from my Atheist Chat Group. I was downright jittery. Anxious. I looked calm, but in the inside I was worried to bits.

What if they don’t like me?

What if I screw up socializing?

And more disturbingly,

What if they are more successful than me?

I haven’t been in the presence of women my age for a long time, and I really want to be friends with them, but what if I fail?

What if they see me as a failure?

Yes, Dr. Ronnie Burak, I am insecure alright. Then it occurred to me. Maybe all the women I am meeting have this fear inside them too.

I began to relax thinking that thought.

We were set to meet at a coffee place in Makati. I was first on the scene because I was the host of the meet-up. Minutes after I arrived, I was receiving text messages from Joni and Aiza. They were trying to locate me. After a bit of flurry, I spotted the two of them.

I was immediately put to ease.

Hey, maybe I can do this after all. Despite all my hang-ups, maybe this is going to be blast?

Joni is an architect. She works the nightshift and she has been in the atheist scene more years than me. She is vocal about her disbelief, but she does not look for a fight. With a fresh and youthful approach in life, she exudes a calm but firm presence. She has a sharp wit, but she does not use it to attack people.

Aiza has worked abroad in Dubai. A very warm, sociable person, I met her and chatted with her in Facebook and decided, “I like this girl!” She is bubbly and very, very expressive. She includes everyone in the conversation, and she is fun, fun, fun. I noticed that she is very interested in what I say, especially about topics in psychology, and oh my, my ego liked that feeling.

As we sat on our stools and talked without censoring each other, I had the gnawing notion that perhaps the book I read was wrong after all? It occurred to me that I never checked out the theory in real life, and maybe this was what I came for. Proof. Validity. I was checking out the theory in my head as I sat there and talked.

But before I could indulge my private musings, Jenn arrived. An anesthesiologist, she described herself as a newbie in atheism. She could still recall how she tried to bargain with herself when she started questioning her Catholic faith. At first, I was intimidated with her. (Hello! She is a doctor! Everybody respects the White Coat!) But then Aiza worked her magic, and I began to sense that there was nothing to feel threatened of. Aiza opened up topics all of us were comfortable in and soon, my reservations wore off. In place of intimidation, I now had a feeling of intimacy; that somehow I have more things in common with this woman than I thought. Slowly, as I warmed up to her, she quit being an authority figure and gradually just became her.

Oh, how I can rely on Aiza to lighten the mood! She does it so well, so seamlessly that I balk. How can she be so smooth? I wish I had her social genius.

During our last hour together, I found out that the competition was in my head. Granted, it would be different if we all worked in the same place and we needed to actually compare work performances. But in this setting, I was safe.

This meeting is a safe place, and what is my job description? I am hosting our group’s meet-ups. I am doing this so that we atheist women can connect. My project is to create a warm, accepting environment where we are not combative and “non-goal-oriented, non-logical, non-accurate, and non-rational”, as Dr. John Gray of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus fame puts it.

Every woman needs the opportunity to relax and get in touch with her feminine self and me and my friends are no exception. When we are with others of our own sex, we are more attuned to our female nature. Girlfriends talk about feelings needing no solutions or judgments. And when we, as women who are scared of our radical thoughts, who feel that we have to hide our atheism at work and at home, can be with same-minded beings, we can, you know, just hang.

In many instances of my life, I find myself just too serious. This is one of them.

Just hang. Hang out. I think I missed that when I was young. I spent too much time in the library and not enough time with friends. Well, it is never too late to correct that. I am, I am going to correct that.

Back at home, I dived into my psych books to read more on female friendships. I needed some answers to burning questions that kept me up at night after the meet-up. I was asking myself:

“Why do women want to have girl friends? Do we need girlfriends because we want kinship? Do we need girlfriends for support? Why is it crucial to have someone of the same sex listen to our troubles? Isn’t having a spouse/partner/significant other enough?”

Dr. John Gray asserts that women’s caring relationships gave meaning to their existence and support them through life crises. Women were each other’s lifeline. Further, he said,

“As a common practice, nurturer women shared their problems with each other not directly to ask for help but to share sympathy and community….Women supported each other unconditionally, without being asked and expecting nothing in return….Talking about problems, sharing feelings, and articulating desires become a feminine ritual to create greater intimacy and express loyalty to the community. Through talking and feeling heard…women come to feel nurtured, and the weight of their problem lifts. Once able to relax and proceed at an easygoing pace, they can begin to deal with their problems.”

So, then perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe these people won’t bite me.

Where did I get scared of relating with other women in the first place?

Ah, I see, I it was all in the past. It was the bullying by the Queen Bee when I was young, it was the dieting and the Anorexia that followed. And after that, it was the isolation that lead me not to trust other women.

And that was it. It was about trust. Can I trust Joni, Aiza and Jenn? How am I sure they will not hurt or betray me? I do not really know. I am not really sure. And that’s the thing about friendship and people. We love and we risk getting hurt. My new friends as human as me. They have their strengths and their talents and they have their frailties and flaws. I can just jump in and risk it. I can just jump and surrender. Life is full of uncertainties.

Near the time I was about to leave the coffee place, I was thinking, “I can do this. Thirty-six is not too old to try, thirty-six is not too old for anything, certainly female friends. I can leave my doubts behind.” And if I really want to grow in this area of my life called “building female friendships”, then I have to try and try. Best foot forward.

I’m going to tap my serious, determined side and I’m going to take this job seriously. I’ll plan future meetings. I’ll ask help from my peers. I am going to do it for friendship sake, for my personal well-being’s sake. And for faith in female bonding.