My early perimenopause experience

This year, I had my hair dyed silver.

My mother naturally has silver hair, but it cost her way too much. She was fifty when she had a terrible case of myoma and had to resort to hysterectomy. At that time, she was in perimenopause. Having her uterus removed was a hard stop.

I asked her what menopause feels like, nonetheless. I need the guidance. She had little to say apart from sharing her experience post-operation. She recounted feeling out of sorts for one year, being unable to work.

A few years after her hysterectomy, all her hair turned white. It’s a stunning silver hue. You should see it; it’s gorgeous.

So, I found my way to the salon, clutching my fear in my hands. Hair grows back, anyway. If it gets too ugly, I’ll just have another buzz cut. I need to see what my hair will look like if it’s as silver as my mom’s. I need to see because I’m in perimenopause and it’s has come early. I’m only 43!

But I can’t solely blame my genetics. I had a part to play—

I just did not expect to be in the early stages this young. The memories are fresh—it’s as if I was cradling babies yesterday.

Despite my protest, though, you can see right through the act: I’m embracing the change.

Being (peri)menopausal means I’ve completed the more difficult stages in my life as a woman.

When I was a teen, I was plagued with moodiness and trying to know who I was.

I’m sometimes moody now, but I already know who I am.

Years of familiarity with my insanity rendered me more able to cope with the unpleasantries of life. I no longer take everything personally, and I’ve developed a thick skin.

Case in point: my buzz cut.

Prior to having my hair dyed silver, I had it done G.I. Jane style. My love for short hairstyles started at age 40 when I resolved to maintain a short hairstyle like most men. (If men can do it, why can’t women?)

Then, because I wanted to push it over the edge, I got it shaved. At that time, I decided to do so out of sheer annoyance—I had hot flushes, and my bangs kept getting in the way of my eyeglasses. It was also the summertime, and hair dries quicker after each shower…if you have minimal hair.

Then, a few days after the buzz cut, I attended a party. I was unsure how people would feel about my hairstyle, but to my surprise, they called me a badass. I guess it takes a confident woman to pull it off.

Since then, I realized how much time and energy women invest in their looks. The hairstyle is just one element of it.

Being in perimenopause to me means I no longer need to care too much about my looks. They do matter, but I know my priorities. Hairstyles go out of fashion, and makeup and fashion trends fade. I’ve seen their iterations, and they come back around. No need to rush and keep up with the uso, just do what suits you.

Many times, I realize, when Pinoys hear the word “menopause”, they focus on the physical manifestations. There’s a sidenote about forgetfulness and bitchiness, but that’s almost all there is to it when it comes to mentioning the mental and emotional aspects.

But menopause is also about realignment.

I’m here, living and breathing, because I have a purpose. I don’t have much time, not like before when I was younger. I better get my sh*t together.

So, with a head full of (artificial) silver hair, I marched into a meeting. It was an event related to my boldest venture yet. I acknowledged that to get this thing I’ve been putting off for so long, I needed help. And I was right about the people I met that day. My intuition is serving me well. (I trust it more nowadays.)

With menopause, it’s apparent that the stage of being mom-all-the-time has passed. So too is the time to be me-just-for-me.

It’s time to bring my personal significant plans to fruition, so yeah, it’s another self-development stage, but I am not just me. My children’s DNA have altered my body. Living with my long-term spouse has subdued my self-hate. I’m not that girl anymore, and neither am I that young woman.

I’ve aged, and I love it. I can’t wait till my hair turns naturally silver. I can’t wait to get past this transition stage, I want to get rid of my menses forever. I can’t wait to be free.

That’s wonderful and all—

Now, if I can only get back to sleep.

The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.