I had a recent (almost) fight with my spouse, and in the aftermath of it, I realized I was projecting my past experiences onto him. We have been married for 18 years, yet I am still learning to unpack my previous experience with my father.
I hope that by sharing my story, I connect with others who have had similar experiences. Many women I know have unresolved issues with their fathers. We can heal together by sharing what’s left unsaid because it’s hard to describe. Perhaps, after reading this, you will feel less alone.
A week ago, my spouse and I were talking about our adolescent son. We’ve been having problems lately with his burgeoning idealism. It’s affecting his school life, social life, and emotional health. My husband was picking my brains because, in terms of disposition, me and my son share a lot. My spouse was not attacking me or my personality type. He was just investigating what makes individuals like us think. But I got feisty and defensive.
Since my father was the first man I related to, I have unconsciously used our father-daughter relationship pattern as a blueprint for all romantic relationships. Sometimes, I catch myself in the middle of the act, and every time I do, I’m horrified.
Prominent psychoanalytic theorists like Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung explain the Oedipal complex as a universal stage of psychosexual development that can also manifest in emotional relationships. For example, a child who experiences an unresolved Oedipal complex may have difficulty trusting others, fear intimacy, need control, or repeat the same unhealthy relationship patterns. If you look at that checklist, I have all but the last item ticked.
My father was (undiagnosed) narcissistic and bipolar. He withheld affection from me if I disagreed with him, and he made everything about himself. As a result, I have a negative belief that if I disagree with my spouse, he will not love me anymore. I also have a negative belief that if I follow what I want, my spouse and/or my children will be harmed.
Meanwhile, my spouse is compassionate and understanding by nature. He is not sweet or reassuring; that’s not his style. But deep down, I know he accepts me for who I am. He supports my mental health journey with actions, not kind words. Even so, sometimes, I need to remind myself that my spouse is not my father in terms of relational dynamics.
For instance, when he voices his dissent, it is not because he is trying to control or oppress me. (My father did.) When my spouse disagrees with me, he is just “doing him.” I shouldn’t take it personally. My past conditioning is so heavy that it is like a fog that makes me forget that my spouse’s disapproval is not the same as my dead father’s disapproval.
One night, as I struggled with this issue, I came across a TED talk by Frederik Imbo called “How not to take things personally?” Frederik said there are two sides to the coin when you get offended by other people’s comments: Side A: It is not about you, and Side B: It is about you.
In my case, when I get defensive with my spouse, it is usually about Side B. It is about something in me—because what my spouse says is striking a raw nerve. Notice that when people make comments that don’t affect you, you don’t get defensive because there is nothing to defend. But when people make comments that make you react violently, there’s something definitely under the surface. In my case, I was affected because I have unresolved issues with my late dad.
I just can’t help it. Whenever my spouse criticizes or even disagrees with me, I’m very much bothered.
To think about it, every time people give me what I perceive as negative feedback, I get bothered. Uh oh. Big problem.
Let’s use the recent example of our discussion about our son. I felt like my spouse was calling me too authoritarian, which triggered me because my father was authoritarian. I never want to be like my father and rule with an iron fist, but I do believe in being authoritative. (Gentle parenting does not work for our family.)
It doesn’t help that my spouse and I have opposite personality characteristics. When we first started dating, I was drawn to his qualities opposite to mine, perhaps subconsciously. Maybe I sensed that I needed these qualities to balance mine out.
In our almost-argument, I was able to edit myself, back down, and apologize. After the storm of emotions, I realized I had been displaying behavior similar to my father, who narcissistically made everything about himself. Indeed, the conversation was not about me. It was about our adolescent son.
Aside from having trouble handling negative feedback, I also got defensive because it’s true—I veer toward parental dictatorship.
Frederik, the TED talk speaker, advises: If you realize that someone’s words or actions have triggered a hot button, show yourself some empathy. Acknowledge your feelings and understand why they are there.
I took his advice and practiced self-compassion. A few days after my discussion with my spouse, I acknowledged that I feel the way I feel about negative feedback and authoritarianism. After that, I forgave myself for being defensive, recognizing the painful place where it came from. I understood, finally, that being considerate of myself and the trauma I endured is self-care.
But there is more to acknowledging these feelings and using self-compassion to deal with them.
The TED Talk speaker followed up by saying you should speak up. He meant you should try to tell others how their words or actions have affected you. Show your tender spot, and be willing to take the risk.
Now, I’m lucky to have candid conversations with my spouse about this topic. But it may not be the same with you and your significant others.
However, there are the right people for you—people you will feel safe talking about your vulnerabilities. We seek out these people for connection. And you know what? You deserve it. Ultimately, we all want to be seen and heard by others, even if we’re never perfect.
I am not my dad, nor will I use his style of parenting teenagers. I know in my heart that I was put on earth to break the chain of bad emotional upbringing. So, instead of condemning my defensiveness, I pay attention to the message: “If you’re not careful, you’re going, you’re going down the wrong track! Just because it was what you saw from your dad!”
As for me and my spouse, we’ve noticed that our differences have made us a formidable parenting team over the years. He is the yin to my yang, the receptive to my active, the dreamy to my pragmatic. Together, we hope to provide our children with the most balanced upbringing we can manage. I am grateful to have him as my partner in life and parenting; and I know the feeling is mutual.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
