When mom guilt hits hard, remember, exude Good Enough Mom energy.
I am a psychotherapist and I listen to moms talk about Mommy Guilt. I am a mom myself; I have two teenagers. As caretakers and women, we already have too much emotional load to bear. From my unique vantage point, I owe it to every mother out there to speak up about all this bullshitry we pile on ourselves.
A few weeks ago, my daughter had a mini accident with the fan in her room. She cried out and called my name, whimpering. But it took me some time to respond because I was working in my computer downstairs. I felt touched that it was me she was calling. I also felt guilty that I did not respond immediately.
I comforted her, bandaged her bloody electric fan-mangled finger, and tried soothing words. Logically, I knew that the wound was superficial. However, it hurts real bad because the digits are majorly represented in the motor cortex of our frontal lobe. But I did not use logic to get her out of the crying zone. I used a hypnosis technique instead. And it worked! May kwenta pa rin yung pagiging psychologist ko.
Focusing on any kind of pain exacerbates its effects. When she started to relax, something shifted. Soon enough, she was talking about school, and as predicted, something emotionally upsetting and buried surfaced.
She was crying about the finger, but there was an added emotionally loaded content about a classmate. Her friend transferred schools last semester. This friend made a surprise visit yesterday.
I said to myself, I didn’t miss this moment. It’s a tiny thing: an everyday pain, mundane. But these small things are what children remember.
And at that moment, I did exude good enough mother energy.
I am good enough with my job. The number one job for any woman who has given birth to a child: The Mom Job. One way or the other, it takes precedence over our hearts.
There are perfect moms, and then there is me.
There are I want to be perfect and my kids have no suffering moms, and then there is me. Many people in broader society call these moms helicopter moms. Or Tiger moms.
For a long time, I positioned myself as the opposite of the Helicopter Mom or Tiger Mom. They are as much derided as the Neglectful Mom or the Absentee Mom, but at least they are not the much-dreaded Abusive Mom.
But I’m realizing now that I’m not really an “Other” compared to all those other moms.
At one point in my life, I was “them.” Sometimes I am still “them” and a lot of times I am guilty I am not doing as much, unlike “them.” But there is no “them” and there is no “me.”
We are all just moms doing our best, wanting the best for our kids.
If there is one thing being a therapist of moms has taught me, it’s that.
It’s all about seasons in life, I guess.
I was also young and energetic and ambitious and I-want-to-get-all-the-honors once. Just the same as those (who I perceived as) pa-bibo classmates in grad school.
Now I am just tired. Or more presciently, I know myself.
I recognize the bare bones of what needs to be done and what the rest is: fru fru, décor, not my thing.
In my mid-forties now, and by doing this psychotherapy too, I see through the bullshit now—the bullshit of systems, the add-ons people put on to soothe their anxiety.
But more importantly, I see through all my bullshit.
I recognize the bare bones of what needs to be done and what the rest is: fru fru, décor, not my thing. Skip it. Spare yourself the pain.
Do what needs to be done, Mommy.
Let go of the rest. Let go of your fears and your desperation—the desperation to prove that you are not like the parents who parented you.
Because you are good enough.
Maybe, in some ways, you were just like them: good enough too. But let’s draw the line at emotional abuse and neglect.
I think, as I write this, whoever is reading it is already guilt-ridden enough to cast themselves as villains. But as long as you are not physically abusing your child or neglecting your child, you are a Good Enough Mother.
Just like me.
The emotional abuse you so fear you are subjecting your kids to?
Let’s do a spot check on that.
You scream at your kids, you nag them, sometimes they do not talk to you.
No, that is not emotional abuse. Emotionally abusing your kids is when you deliberately do the screaming and the nagging out of malice and spite. And you want to shatter their spirit, their joy and happiness. When you do not want the best for them and seriously want them to fail in life.
Other telling signs: indifference and loss of compassion.
If you are still trying but the trying does not seem to work and you feel guilty your parent-child relationship is at tatters and you call your friends, pastor, and book a therapist to talk about it, you are on the edge, but you are not there yet.
You are still on the boundary of being a Good Enough Mom.
So, what to do if you’re on that edge?
You’re already on the right track. Listen to the pastor or the counselor or the therapist, not necessarily your friends, because every parent I know is struggling with their own parental guilt or unfinished business.
Listen really hard and then take a deep hard look at yourself and remunerate.
Count all the times you made mistakes, and make up for them.
Simple, isn’t it? Start somewhere.
I bandaged my child’s bloody finger at the same time I bandaged my ego.
Because I want to so bad to be a Good Mom, I neglected what is in front of me.
But if I slow down, if I really look, the evidence is already there: I showed up. I responded. I was there in that infinitesimal moment.
That is the work.
That is the relationship.
That is good enough.
Note: A shorter version of this essay originally appeared in the maiden issue of The Mango Quill. The theme, The things left unspoken: For the love of mothers was released in time for Mother’s Day 2026.
Here is the link to The Mango Quill:
Meanwhile, my essay as it appears is as follows.
I am proud of myself for getting published in a literary magazine. Hooray for me!
