Inside me exists a trinity composed of The Seer, The Executive, and The Outlier.
I do not have multiple personalities. I just named three very distinct aspects of myself and personalized them so that I can visualize how to handle my conflicting selves.
The concept of multiplicity of selves is explained by several theorists in psychology. I adhere to the granddaddy of them all, Jungian theory. But having many selves is also eruditely explained by Internal Family Systems (IFS). Both theories do advocate the integration of these parts into one person, but the person-who-exists-in-one-body acknowledges and gives time, space, voice, and credence to the parts inside their own self.
This coming together of the different parts is what Jung meant by integration work.
How did I get to know these three selves of mine exist? It started this year as I dealt with the heavy hits perimenopause dealt to my body. I used to multitask, and I loved it. But when I entered this transition, sensory overload became my struggle. Everything just felt too much. It came to a point when I realized I needed to actively fight my overthinking. To do that, I came up with Standard Operating Procedures for the different aspects of my life.
I wrote about my SOPs in a previous blog post. They simplify my life and protect what is left of my precious energy as perimenopause rips through my life.
Being in perimenopause has been an experience of unpredictability for me. What is significant here is my history of anorexia and somatic expressions of anxiety. In short, not being in control of my body drives me a little bit crazy! I empathize with my health-anxiety clients here.
When I am confused and do not understand the world and its changes, or my body and its changes, I rely on thinking. Logic, analysis, planning: these get me through. Hence, writing the SOPs. I came up with a “major credo” first, like my core mission, vision, or motto, and then I started writing and/or refining the other day-to-day stuff.
In writing these SOPs, I discovered that I could not ignore my feelings. Then it dawned on me that I could not overlook the overseer of my inner vision. Around this time, I had a series of symbolic, archetypal, or what are called Jungian dreams. They are not the ordinary anxiety-driven dreams about waking up late and forgetting something. These dreams had a numinous quality about them. I collected a set of twelve dreams (and counting) and set about analyzing them. Somewhere in the process, as I wrote them down by hand in my journal, the names of my three separate selves emerged. I even drew a little diagram in my notebook because I just saw the three emerge, with their names gradually being drawn out from my unconscious.
So, the three me’s are: The Seer, The Executive, and The Outlier.
They are a trinity. The Sisterhood of Me.
The Seer is a visionary. She always has the ideal, and the ideal has a big picture. She abides by the Chinese idiom 高瞻远瞩, which translates to “stand high and see far.” In terms of Jungian cognitive function, she runs on introverted intuition.
The Executive thinks in systems and loves to make things very efficient. The Chinoy in me primarily draws its lifeblood from my identity as her. As it is, The Executive sniffs out opportunities and loves to take advantage of them. She can be excessively obsessed with material things. In terms of Jungian cognitive function, she is extroverted thinking personified.
The Outlier is The Rebel. I tried the hardest to find a name for her. The conventional, rule-abiding part of me is sometimes still uncomfortable being with this part. I found that giving her a non-derogatory label was an act of self-compassion. The Outlier has a teenage vibe and a joker vibe (in Jungian terms, she can embody both the Jester and Shadow archetypes). She says the truth because she has fidelity to my inner feelings, the child-like, innocent, pure feelings. When I am being authentic and raw, she is rightly activated and in control. She brings in energy. Passion. Heat. In terms of Jungian cognitive function, she expresses, in equal parts, introverted feeling and extroverted sensing.
So, there you have it: the Seer, Executive, and Outlier, or SEO. When I started out in my career as a writer in the copywriting specialization, I became familiar with the acronym SEO, short for Search Engine Optimization. I am repurposing this catchy acronym. I’m making it my own. Besides, the term “Search Engine Optimization” befits my desire for functionality and intentionality. To optimize is to act on something with foresight too.
Individuation, according to Carl Jung, is the process of becoming fully oneself. To get to this state, one must differentiate the various aspects of the psyche and gradually integrate them into a coherent whole. I’ve done the work of identifying these distinct parts of mine, so what’s the next step? Integration.
As mentioned, right around the time I developed the Sisterhood of Me, I was having a series of Jungian dreams. One of the last dreams to occur was about a changeling—a person whose eyes and mouth and even sexual characteristics changed depending on the situation. It dawned on me that this sophisticated process is the quality of adaptability. These personalities of mine are not static and standalone; they have a shifting quality. When I was younger, I could not quite grasp the concept of the Trinity in the Christian sense. Now, I get it.
The Seer, Executive, and Outlier have to hold hands because they exist in one body. Mine! They must make room for one another instead of suppressing or denying one another. Some days one sister takes the lead. Other days another must step forward. Sometimes they cooperate beautifully; other times they struggle against each other. But the work of integration is not to destroy any one of them. It is to allow them to coexist, working together for a unified goal… somehow. You can call it bargaining with yourself. Or, in my case, bargaining with the acknowledged parts of myself, even the parts that society may scorn, such as the Outlier.
My struggle with perimenopausal bodily changes felt very similar to the changes I experienced during my pregnancies. Just like then, I am not in control of this body. But unlike the second time I got pregnant, lost too much weight, and spiraled into Act Two of Anorexia, this time around the transition was healing and transformative. Enabling that process, I had to take the wheel. Well, I did by crafting my SOPs. Then, these SOPs led to discovering the plurality of my selves.
At this stage of my life—midlife, I am interested in transcendence. There is a yogic term for following this path; it is called brahmacharya. Its core tenet is to direct one’s life energy toward higher aims so that one leaves a positive, lasting legacy.
Time to stop being a “human doing” and become a “human being.” And a fully integrated one at that.”
