I would like to own up to the fact that I am insecure in this job, in my career right now.
I’d like to own up to the fact that I am not perfect, and that I am too inhibited.
I would like to own up to the fact that I am not yet recognized or published.
Nearly 40, I am not the woman, the person, that I aspired to be when I was 19 going on 20.
And yet, I do not see myself as a failure.
I am pockmarked with the experiences of life.
I have two children—I have given birth twice.
Without relief (bar husband’s contribution with time and money), I have borne the burden of childcare on my own.
No yayas, no housemaids (though there was a short stint for live-in cleaner nine months after the birth of my second child).
No bottles, no formula.
No lolos, no lolas.
Anorexic, and still recovering as an anorexic, I hid my disorder under the surface until it surfaced.
At 36, I relapsed.
But I survived.
Being too thin. Twice.
Another pockmark. Or should I say, scar?
I am indefatigable, I will survive it all.
I am resilient.
Born an Iron Monkey (as per the Chinese horoscope), my intellect is steel, cold and hard, uncompromised.
I groveled eight months ago for a job.
I took an on-line course.
I applied, applied, applied.
I was thwarted in life as a writer, but I trained myself to be one.
I re-defined myself, I am re-defining my life.
So, I am Melany now.
I think there is a truth in re-naming things.
So, here I am.
Writer.
I am a writer.
My dad told me I can never be one.
I will NOT succeed being one.
But here I am, I will prove him wrong.
I will be the best writer I can be. Not anybody’s.
Today I realized that I am no novelist, no short-story writer.
I am a non-fiction writer. I cannot do prose.
And I am a product of my profession.
I can be psych professor masquerading as a writer.
I am the Psychologist Who Writes.
In time, I will find out where I belong.
For now, I am mom, and I am wife, and I write.
I write to stay sane, I write to detox, I write to survive.
I write because I can, I will write for life.
I write for my dear life.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
