I just finished writing a piece about domestic abuse, and it shook me to the core.
I have a history of domestic emotional abuse, and it was my father.
The experts call it coercive control.
It was manipulation, making me an adult when I was not ready, and it was plain torture.
Until I escaped him by graduating college with my multiple degrees, working independently, and getting married.
Abuse was something my father did because he couldn’t have helped it.
I have forgiven him and accepted him for what he has done.
(We had that conversation before he died.)
Papi was a product of his culture, his patriarchal, Chinese-Filipino upbringing.
In his social milieu, it was the norm to treat women as inferior to men. (To some degree, this is still the truth for a lot of Chinoy women like me.)
When I got married, I systematically obliterated my Chinese surname, “Chua”.
I always, always use my married surname, “Heger”.
Not particularly because I have subbed one “owner” for another, but because I have renamed myself.
I am not my father’s property. I am now part of another family. My husband’s family.
It was a re-definition. In business terms, it was a re-branding.
I am very much happy with my new family.
Though I am still quite sensitive when somebody is angry.
I am paralyzed when somebody shouts; I fall into pieces when people get angry. I don’t even think I am that great handling my own anger.
With this COVID-19 lockdown, I have had no choice but to face incidents where there is some kind of conflict in the house.
Some expressions of anger.
A few days ago, I had to deal with someone’s anger, and you know what?
I realized:
Anger can be expressed in a healthy way. Even if the delivery of that is a shout, it does not always lead to domestic violence, emotional violence, or coercion.
Someone can be angry with you, but you can work it out.
Not everyone who gets angry with you is out to abuse you.
Paraphrase that: not everyone who gets angry WITH ME is out to abuse ME.
Sometimes, there is a genuine reason, and yes, sometimes that means the anger is justified. (And I have to make necessary corrections.)
What I am saying is that at near-40, I am making peace with anger.
Another realization: Poring over academic texts on domestic violence had the same effect on me as reading flowery literature.
At the same time, writing an academic essay is just as valid as writing a literary piece.
But then again, I am an academic writer. (I’m a bore.) I can’t help being who I am.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
