It’s the Chinese New Year today. I learned yesterday that I failed to enter the 56th Silliman Writer’s Workshop.
Oh, there is always next year.
I am quite surprised to notice that I am not so upset. Even if I FAILED. I was never good at failing. Perhaps I am not so upset because I have found fulfillment elsewhere. I am happy where I am professionally; I am also happy with my work in HAPI. In both spheres, I am able to do the work I love. Maybe I am not cut out for the literary world. (And does it even pay?) Maybe, where I am heading is the deep world of Psychology, maybe I am also walking towards the field of the academe. (I was in the Academe once, I want to do it again). What if I come across this intersection of Psychology and Literature again when I am better prepared? I might be better positioned to pick up the Quill then. Being a Literati. What does it even mean to me now? Maybe, it’s “See you next time ‘round”.
I am a Clinical Psychologist. This is my identity. My work Identity. At home, I am Mommy. Work-wise and person-wise, I know who I am. And I am a person in love with understanding and treating mental illness. It took me some time to bring it forward, but actually, I am a people person. Just not too much. But talking to people, being with people (while maintaining appropriate boundaries), this is what I am happy doing. It took me a long time to realize that without appropriate boundaries, I cannot be a good friend, a good mother, a good therapist. It took me my Seven Years in Exile to learn this lesson. And I am still learning my lesson now. Now my life is flooded with messages in my FB, phone calls, texts people seeking appointments, plus the usual need for communication from my family – kids and spouse. Surprisingly, I am not overwhelmed. And I do not feel as if need to put a band-aid on everybody. I cannot solve all their problems. I just have to be present (be there). And most importantly, I have to be present INSIDE myself. I have to be me, a genuine, human being. True to herself, being authentic.
Funny, now that I know my boundaries, I can relax and interact.
This Monkey year was my year. I was born in 1980, the year of the Monkey. According to Feng Shui, this year was supposedly a good year for me. And it was.
Because apart from career advances, this year, I learned how to say “no” and “yes”. At the appropriate time, at the appropriate circumstances.
Yes, I am ready for that.
No, that is too much.
I am sorry, but I cannot make it.
I am sorry, I can’t do it.
I want to, but I cannot (for my sanity’s sake).
I have identified my priorities, my strengths.
But I am not vehemently opposed to new experiences.
I just have to proceed at my own pace. Besides, this is my life, ain’t it? Whose pace do I follow but mine?
Fuck “should’s” Fuck “others’ expectations”. Other people don’t live my life, I do.
What do I really want?
If my environment does not support me now with what I want, then I have to take on the challenge of changing this environment. I’ve got no one to blame. Not even God (he don’t exist, bruh).
So goodbye, Year of the Monkey. I love you. You were one of the best years of my life. Where will I be, what will I be doing 12 years from now? The next time it will be a monkey year, I’d be 48 years old. Gahd, that sounds old.
But I am never too old for me.
NB: I took this photo to prove I am not FAT. Oh, Anorexia, can you please stop?
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
