The reason why I am so attracted to bargain bin items are manifold. There’s the practical side, having been raised in a Chinoy household, I am hardwired to love bargains. In this case, it’s the thrill of the hunt.
Then, there’s this other part of me where I look at myself as bargain goods, so I patronize bargain goods. I take pity on the poor, neglected non-premium items because although they are not prime goods, they are still good. Like me.
This issue has taken center stage recently because of my mid-life struggle. As I have written many times before, I spent ten years in child care. I did not work outside home. I did it willingly. But now, I have to live with the consequences.
There is a voice inside my head that berates me—I’m not good enough, I did not do enough. I should have had both a stalwart career and a successful home life. But we all know this is a scam—there is no such thing. There may be a few exceptions, but we ordinary people, we can’t have it all. Not all of us have all the money to spend on nannies. And even if we want to hire one, long-term, the job pool sucks.
Something’s got to give: it can be your looks, it can be your health, it can be your finances. And it can be, like in my case, your career. You can lose your sense of self in motherhood, or parenthood, in general.
Sometimes, that’s a good thing, to lose yourself in that role. But sometimes, you just want to be non-Mom (non-Dad, or non-Dad), at least for a while. For me, working is my non-Mom time. It gives me a sense of individuality. It’s important because I get to nurture my talents and abilities. It’s important because I feel good doing it.
But compared to my classmates in High School, College and graduate studies, compared to my colleagues from past jobs, I am a nothing. Some of them are Mr. or Mrs. Have-It-All. You see this person in your Social Media feed, but you won’t see Not-Having-It-All-Mom in because she is unglamorous.
That’s who I am, I don’t have it all.
Work-From-home moms, Career Moms, Hybrid Work-from-Home Moms, Full-Time Moms—we all sacrifice something. Somehow.
So, here I am. Bargain Bin Woman. Have my services at a discount price! I console myself by saying, “At least, I’m not in the garbage bin!” All that educational training did not go to 100% waste. Some of it got recycled.
When I am honest with myself, I hate me for doing what I did. I hate me for giving my potentially high-flying career away when I was in my 20’s. To be clear, I don’t blame anyone but me for doing it. On the surface, I can say I did it for my kids and family. But I largely, I did it for myself. I wanted my kids to have the parenting I did not get when I was a kid.
The reason why I hate myself is this: I gave it all away expecting that someday, I can get it all back. I’m also resentful that I am no supermom and I can’t have it both ways—the career and the kids. I feel weak, inferior. I’ve let myself down. I had such high expectations of myself.
Crash.
I’m still in the process of forgiving myself for what I did.
Once I come to terms with the enormity of what I’ve done, I would start to self-forgive. Then, maybe, self-love.
For now, I’m here. In this hell-hole. Sometimes I hate me so much and I want to self-harm by under-eating/over-exertion. And sometimes I feel self-compassion.
I tell myself it’s OK. I did the best I could given the circumstances: I’m no Chinoy heiress; I’m not from an influential family with lots of contacts. Unlike people living in first world countries, there’s no state-sponsored child care in the Philippines, nor friendlier work arrangements for moms.
When I take my daily walks, I see people living the life I live. There’s a mom or a dad picking up kids from school. There are people manning sari-sari stores. There are online workers who were once office workers. A lot of people are making do with what money they can get working jobs like mine. I don’t think they have it all either.
Yes, I’m a Bargain Bin Woman, but I’m going to sell myself to the highest bidder for the sake of my self-worth. It’s something I’m willing to fight for.
Also, I think I can upcycle myself. Anyways, that’s trending now.
