Have you ever doubted yourself so bad that it was debilitating? And then you took the plunge anyway and realized, looking back, that you’re more resilient than you think?
Last week Sunday, I doubted myself so bad my self-confidence was in tatters. Understandably so because the next day was Monday, and I didn’t know what Monday had in store.
After briefly working for a UK publishing house, I saw how capable I was of writing my own book. So I took the plunge and decided to self-publish. I applied for and got accepted by a local hybrid publisher, and if things go as planned, my first book will be out by the end of the year.
Now what? I’ve faced one of the most daunting things in my life.
What’s the next challenge? Career advancement.
Which brings me back to last Sunday.
When I quit the UK publisher, I did so because I had an alternate plan. I can’t fully explain why, but I greatly fear being jobless. In freelancing terms, that means not having gigs or clients.
I think being unable to work means I am a piece of sh*t, and I don’t like being a piece of shit. So when I quit the UK publishing job, I had an alternate plan…my long-term Chinese electronics client.
Honestly, the UK publisher didn’t pay well. My long-term Chinese client, let’s call him 老板 (boss), paid more, and consistently too.
When I decided to quit the job with the publisher, I felt that I had learned what I needed to learn from them. They were a small business, and I quickly got the hang of things. I was also eager to pick up where I left off. I missed my old boss; he was the best I’ve ever had.
So I jumped back in with 老板. And I wrote and wrote about electronics again and again. Every day for several months, I produced 2,500-word articles, but I was doing it more efficiently, this time with the help of AI. The publishing job exposed me to ChatGPT, and pretty soon, I knew how to prompt it real well.
I didn’t mind the monotony of electronics blog writing because I loved the regularity. And more importantly, I liked working with 老板. Even if I was just his freelancer, I felt secure.
But then, all of a sudden, the rug was pulled under me.
“Melany, I want you to stop writing for this month. We are changing our marketing strategy.”
“But what do I do?”
“You can do some LinkedIn marketing work. I will email you.”
After he said those words, I didn’t hear from him for two weeks.
Then, he emailed and gave me instructions. I followed them.
But Life has its own plans.
Because of some tech reasons, I could not hit my goals. I ended up not doing anything for weeks, which meant I would not be paid for the month.
It felt ugly.
A dirty patch gradually grew inside me, consuming me, coloring my self-belief black.
I can’t bear being jobless. Gig-less. Worthless.
When I was a psychology major, I was introduced to the concept of predispositions in personality. It was explained to me that all of us are born with some kind of slant, tendencies toward certain personality traits.
I’m the anxious, fidgety kind. Overeager, nervous, hard to please.
And I don’t like questions unanswered.
A question such as “When will I get paid again?” triggers my anxiety.
Instead of sitting around and waiting for something to happen, I decided to go job hunting and client hunting. I logged into Onlinejobs.ph and LinkedIn and started sending out resumes.
The last time I actively looked for a job, I sent out 100 applications. It took me about six weeks to get the publishing job.
This time, it took me three weeks to land a solid job offer.
(My, my, I must be getting better!)
My seemingly inane attempts to get hired using LinkedIn finally paid off! This time, I struck gold.
My new company didn’t want me as a freelancer. They offered a remote, work-from-home full-time job. Complete with benefits, taxes, and all that.
A full-time job is a trap for some people, especially those who are really into freelancing. But for me, it’s a milestone.
I spent almost four years doing gigs, and I have come to conclude that constantly jockeying for clients isn’t good for my mental health.
Although 老板 was good to me, he is the exception, not the rule. I received regular monthly payments from him for almost two years—he was consistent, courteous, and understanding. I figured I want this kind of set-up, but now I want it formally recognized. Bring out the employment contract.
And so, it happened.
Looking back, my exit and reentry from the Chinese electronics job and my short stint with the UK publisher was a killer combo. I would not have earned the skills required for this full-time job.
And so last Monday, I began my work as an Editor-Analyst for AI/Large Language Model practice. I really want this job. Among all the other jobs I applied for, this was my ace in the hole.
Why? AI is the future of my profession. I’ll be left behind if I don’t get up to speed.
And oh, I need the routine, the schedule, the rigor, the regularity. I want to be tethered.
We say that actions speak louder than words. And so last week, Monday morning, I found myself briskly awake before dawn. Putting on my kit, I went jogging.
If you know me, you know how badly attached I am to my routine. Shaking it all up is a very big deal.
After I exercised, I went home to tackle the household duties and address everything mommy-concerned before the kids left for school. And then, I allotted time for self-care before the work clock started ticking at 12.30 p.m.
It’s Sunday afternoon again as I write this. I’ve only been employed a week.
But everything feels right—the stability feels right, the morning exercise feels right, and the people in the company are okay.
As I write this, the day is coming to a close, and there’s promise of a good tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the week to come.
I’ve never felt this zen in months.
