Without you, I would not have been so free.
Last week, I did something quite uncharacteristic. I went on a night out.
If you’re not familiar with Angkas, let me explain it simply. It’s a ride-hailing app in the Philippines. Like Uber, you use it to book a ride. But Angkas only books motorcycles not cars.
The first time I took an Angkas ride, I wasn’t scared. Instead, I felt liberated. Finally, I wasn’t limited anymore by my incapacity to drive.
Last Saturday, I connected with—
Friends I have not seen in years
Friends I have met only met online
And new, younger friends too.
But if it weren’t for me challenging my fears, I would not have gone.
Why don’t I socialize that much? It feels great, so what’s holding me back?
Being one of the few 40-year-old people at the party made me acutely aware of something:
Because of my age, I am more confident in being who I am, to hell if people judge me.
After all, I’ve got nothing to lose—
All of them are hotter than me—
All of them have better careers—
All of them have things sorted out–
Or so I think.
That’s all in my head, isn’t it?
I’m almost phobic of apps, but when I made an exception for Angkas. One day, I just swallowed my fears and downloaded it.
If you ask me what finally made me take the leap, it was desperation. Like most things in life that compel me, I had a deadline to beat. My daughter needed to be picked up from school, and there was no one else to do it.
Like most people, in their 40’s or not, I fear being judged. I fear rejection, and hence, shy away from the pain by isolating myself.
But last week I broke free. As I zipped through the streets of Manila to Cubao, I shed my inhibitions.
I may not be as [insert self-deprecation here] as them.
I may not even be normal because I don’t drink, smoke, or vape.
But you know what? It’s ok. I like me the way I am, and in the end, who do I go home to anyway? Who do I end up in bed with, after a night out? Me.
Somebody in the party asked me how it is to be in my 40’s, and all said something like, “I like me better.”
But I couldn’t really articulate it at all.
It took me this whole week to process it.
What I really wanted to say is “I’m thankful.”
Specifically, I thank the people I’ve been fortunate to meet and interact with all these years—parents, siblings, kids, protagonists and antagonists alike. Even strangers who weren’t even aware I brushed up against them. Yes, including all my Angkas drivers.
Without you, I wouldn’t be able to quit my disastrous, ruminating, self-put-down thoughts.
Without you, I wouldn’t be able to be stronger than I really am.
Without you, I’m not brave at all.
