You don’t have to have Anorexia to understand what obsession is. You don’t have to have Anorexia to understand what compulsion is. You don’t have to have Anorexia to understand control, self-control as Power Above All.
Anorexics choose their food and plan their activities with high regard to caloric count. Their actions seem bizarre, especially if they are already stick thin and they cannot see this fact objectively. Anorexics are delusional, out of touch with reality. But before you throw them in the bin marked “lunatic”, you have to understand that it came from something so simple as a diet.
Nobody wants to be mentally ill. Anorexics are like most people. Most of us never thought dieting will lead to insanity. But it does. In my case, it did. I have already mentioned how genetics play a crucial part in the likelihood of the disease in my blog entry It Runs in the Family. Add to that social pressure that marks thinness as attractiveness. Plus the stressful events that push someone over the edge. Most anorexics start losing weight to make themselves look thinner, and thus prettier. Anorexics do it for love. Anorexics do it to be attractive. Anorexics do it because it is a plan for success, conquest and applause. But then the plan goes awry. At one point, the plan becomes the obsession. The Anorexic Obsession.
The question is, what is your obsession? What escape hatch do you use to get out of this stressful life? Is it alcohol? Is it a pill? Is it sex? Is it gambling? Is it make-up?
Is it a legal or an illegal substance?
In short, what is your drug?
Anorexics are like other addicts. We depend on a little something something to get us by. Our substance is called starvation (the clinical term is food restriction). Already, there are scientific studies to back up the claim that when anorexics use food restriction, it is as if they are using Ecstasy.
I have long suspected that there is something wrong with the way I am wired.
Geneen Roth was an anorexic and a binge-eater before she became a Whole Person. Her road to health is highly documented in her books and her articles. At the current moment, she offers workshops and on-line courses on eating disordered eating. She writes,
“Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart-shattering events. Like watching your children get sick, live living while your spouse dies. Like being with your parents as they get old, wear diapers, forget their own names. Obsession gives you a plane ticket out of a particular kind of heartbreak…In the drama of obsession, you are the star, the co-star, the director, the producer. Other people, even your children, are only stand-ins.”
“There is madness in obsession, yes, but its value is that it drowns out the madness of life…Not bolting ─ being awake without being drugged by food, alcohol, work, sex, money, drugs, fame or in denial (about the crisis we are actually in) ─ is asking a lot.”
Geneen Roth, in Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything
Let’s say you are going on a date. And you are nervous. You are thinking, “What will he think of me?” “Will he like me?” “Am I good enough?” But of course, you can’t ask him right then and there, huh? So you obsess about your clothes. Your lipstick. Your whatever.
Or say this is your Big Presentation Day. And you are anxious to the last bit. The boss is there. The bosses are there. This is worth a lot of money. Make it or break it. This Is The Deal. You can’t know for sure if you can hack it. So you obsess to the last detail about your presentation. You slice and dice and you have been racking since last night. And here you are.
Now, pretend you are an anorexic. We do it like this. Well, I do it like this.
Date night. I eat the least amount of food. Don’t want to get fat and feel bloated. Got to be on my best. Got to wear the tightest clothes. Got to keep it sharp. Smooth. I’m not letting my guard down. This means no dessert, no fat. If possible, no food. Just a little to keep my senses going. I am anxious. I don’t eat when I am anxious. I’ll eat when I get home, when I can relax because I know exactly what I am eating and I am not distracted by my date. For now, I have to focus on him. Eating makes me anxious. I don’t want to trip. And of course when I am with someone else, I will trip! There is a higher tendency to eat more in social situations. I don’t do that. I am perfect with my diet. If I can control this aspect of my life, I am the master of my fate and the captain of my soul.
Presentation Day. Everybody’s watching!!! I’m gonna eat enough before I roll out. Perfect Portions. I am sure of the calorie count. Got to have it all together, bosses will be watching. My brain needs to function, I am going to answer question after question, so I better keep my wits sharp. What food during the break? What break? I won’t eat it. Let them eat it. I resist it. I am not weak. I’ll have some zero calorie iced tea. Can’t I just fast for a few hours? Stop being so indulgent. I am not going to get lipstick smeared all over my face with that cream and that fat. Eeew. I have to maintain a professional façade. Keep it tight. And speaking of which, perfect wardrobe. Nothing too revealing. Must look great. Must look professional, polished and poised. Losers don’t get the deal. I’m gonna be the champion. I’ll ace this.
Do you see? I am nuts. We, anorexics are nuts. But we are just coping like you. We are too obsessed with the food aspect, equating precise calorie count with safety. This is called “magical thinking” in the psych world. Think of it this way, some people knock on wood, wear their lucky belt, chant their special affirmations before they do something really anxiety provoking. We anorexics count calories.
One time, I was out with two friends in a coffee shop. Of course, they asked me if I wanted some pastries to go with my non-caloric, non-caffeneited herbal tea. My eyes got big and I blurted out, “Oh, I cannot possibly eat anything! I do not know the calorie count!” They were mortified. I was mortified those words came out my mouth. Ooops. But they know me, they just laughed it off. Crazy girl. Well, at least, I eat now. 1700 calories to be precise. It is, it is precise. I weigh and measure all my meals. I do not skip any. Because once I do, I will start slightly cutting back….and cutting back…and then you know where that is going, downhill. Let’s just say, on my good days, I eat something extra. About 150 calories extra. On a good day. And on bad days, I eat just a little bit less. Or I eat the same 17oo calories but I do more sit-ups.
I am not very far off from whole and total recovery. But do not expect me to eat the fries soon (How many calories per fry? Fry lengths vary, so if it a long fry it has more calories than a small fry. So how exact can I be? How can I quantify?). Or burgers (I do not eat meat. It is not a “safe food”). Do not also expect me to eat spontaneously, randomly putting food in my mouth (how can I account for that, huh? It blows my plan totally.) Maybe expect me to splurge a little on some unexpected fruit (low calorie, non-fat). Or a tetra pack of low fat milk. That’s it. I cannot take anymore than that.
Well, not now at least. I am in recovery. And one day, I will be fully recovered.
I’ll eat those pastries without even thinking. Er, calculating.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
