Recently, because of our on-going renovations, I am living the lifestyle of a single mom. You can call it Single-Mom Lite. Aside from developing empathy for single-moms, I now know why it feels so liberating to be one. There are challenges being a single-mom as well, I bet. But right now, I see running the household all by myself as empowering. It helps that this is for a limited time period only, (that’s why this essay is called “Single-Mom Lite”). My experience coincides with my newfound confidence, as a 40-plus-year-old woman.
My husband has asthma. As a result, he can’t stay in the renovation site (home), until the fumes and dust are gone. So, I am on my own, with two young kids.
My husband and I decided on one very important thing for the renovations: I am to have my own room, my own safe space. This is room is my base, my safe cocoon. It is sound-proof so I can sleep better. I have my own bathroom as well as a private place to eat. Since I am recovering anorexic, the act of eating is painfully excruciating. The me-only space allows me to be uninhibited. I can finally relax well enough to eat.
After a month of Single Mom Lite, I’ve come to realize how paramount the experience of motherhood is to me. I’ve come to appreciate how important it is to have a central purpose in life. My last essay on Ikigai delved on the topic. I’ll give you a summary: I’ve discovered that my Ikigai or purpose in life is to be a non-fiction writer, who works from home because she strives to be an authoritative mom. You can also flip that so that it puts being a mom first and then being a writer second. But reality depends on your vantage point. You can all relate, right? Sometimes work needs to be prioritized, and sometimes, it doesn’t matter, as long as your family is ok.
As human beings, we need to asses ourselves in a holistic manner. Motherhood is of paramount importance to me. It is the point of my existence. And at the same time being a writer is also the point of my existence. I urge you to do the Ikigai, after I did it, I had a better perspective. I now know that that I am on the right career track, and more importantly, I’m on the right trajectory in life. I guess I felt lost, because I just hit mid-life. It took me more than a few weeks to write the Ikigai piece, longer than I expected. Maybe we really cannot wisely answer the question, “So, what’s next?” if we never made a thorough evaluation of what the hell just happened. As in: “What the hell happened to my career before I reached 40?” And then, “What’s next now that I’m in my 40’s job-wise?”
The silence of not having a husband around was beneficial as I went through the process of Ikigai. Living the Single Mom Lite lifestyle highlighted how important it is to have a role. Maybe it’s my personality type, but I just feel compelled to do this job right.
That’s what purpose of life is about, isn’t it? You have a role, you have goals. And when these targets are hit, you feel fulfilled. My role as “Mom” to “R” and “A” gives my life meaning as much as being a writer gives my life meaning. Writer. Mother. I need these two titles, roles. I wonder if you feel like this too?
Having roles in life makes me feel safe. I suspect it is the same case with most people walking around on earth. We all like to be labelled somewhat. And at the same time, we resist it. On one hand, we need to be genuine to our individual selves and on the other hand, we need to conform to the expectations of society. We are social animals.
If you have struck the balance of accomplishing both, then, I predict you are an utterly happy person. That is what we all want, right? Bliss. Sometimes, I ask myself why do I strive so hard to prove myself? The truth is, my sense of insecurity and low self-esteem drives my ambition. I want to be valued, loved, and respected—I was deprived of these in childhood and early adolescence. But I’m an adult now, and I’m not in an abusive situation anymore. Nobody is bullying me too, at work or at home. The family I have living with me, is supportive. (The family I built.) They love me as I am, so, what’s the point of this desperation? It’s simply time to let it go.
My son is thirteen years old now. I was fourteen when anorexia first reared its ugly head. I can say that he is in a better position that I was when I was thirteen, emotionally. I have created a home environment that fosters his individuality. Yesterday, we were having a conversation about his soon-to-come choice of college course. He is told that he can choose whatever course he wants—it’s his life anyway. I think for many people of my generation, and especially of the Chinoy background, the college course you choose is subject of approval and vetting by authoritarian parents. As kids, we can’t do anything (much) about it. They pay the bills.
As a person who experienced the negative impact of parents intervening with college course choice, I know how it feels. I don’t want my kid to resent me for a greater part of his life. Just because he wants to be “X” does not mean he will starve. If his course of choice is unfamiliar, I need to learn about it, and not fear it. He’ll tell me about it, if I am interested in his stories, his dreams.
Recently, there is pushback on being too competitive career-wise. In China, there is a phenomenon called tang ping (躺平), and recently, the buzzwords “Quiet Quitting” have been circulating. Both point to the fact that more and more people are valuing work-life balance. The Gen Z generation values work-life balance. And I accept the lesson they are teaching me. I need to let go of the competitive zero-sum game thinking about being a writer. I need to be more Wu Wei about it: if I stop chasing it, and it will eventually come to me.
So, that’s about it, with regards to my growth as an individual. The temporarily state as a single-mom afforded me time to reflect on the direction I am going, in this second coming-of-age (middle age). My concerns about career and self-growth are not exclusively about myself now. I think it is for the better.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
