Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) is what I prescribed to several of my clients this month. It just so happened that it’s also what the “doctor” needs. So what is CFT, and why am I writing about it today? You know by now that when I write, it’s usually because something struck close, and that something is often some profound (or everyday) pain I am processing.
I’ve put a pause on my Instagram. To concretize this, I changed the profile pic to a moody black and white to symbolize abstinence. Why turn away now? Because I’m conserving my energy. Cal Newport, the author known for his work on digital minimalism, explains it this way:
“What’s happening here is you have these unmet needs. [Social media tools can give you sort of a simulacrum of meeting them. People are social beings, and need to be connected to people. If you are texting and doing comments on social media, it sort of touches that a little bit, just enough that you don’t feel hopelessly lonely, but it’s not really fulfilling that.]
[People want to see their intentions made manifest concretely in the world, humans want to do this. That is why they are posting on social media and people are responding—it’s sort of this simulacrum of real creation.]”
Newport goes on to say in an interview with the Huberman Lab that this “pseudo construction and collective attention economy of social media” fills a void in us that can only truly be met by going out into the world, living life for real, and putting effort into the kinds of meaningful work and connections that satisfy our creativity and our need to belong.
In the few months that I’ve been using social media heavily (after my first book dropped), I noticed how easy it is to get sucked in. The algorithm seduced me, making it effortless to forget my original purpose—my authentic voice. Parang hypnosis, mga besh.
I even started to write a second book that was influenced by the voice of this algorithm, this ghost in the machine, that I started believing it. I am rethinking this second book now—it feels a little too ma-drama, and it leans toward YA. For now, the project is paused in light of my realizations.
But I’m not out totally from social media. Since I have a soft spot for Facebook (my OG soc med platform), that’s where I’m retreating for now. What Cal Newport said about going out into the real world to find fulfillment and an actual outlet for creativity makes sense. I’ve also rethought how I want to share my content, and the new flow is:
- Write for my blog
- Share on my Facebook page using Meta Business Planner, and when appropriate, share on my personal Facebook Page
- Share on Substack
- If there is a worthwhile pic, then share it on Instagram
Doing this gives me back the power. Long-form content is what I’m good at and what sustains me. But most importantly, creating and following this action plan is an act of self-care. And that’s exactly where Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) comes in: It’s about treating myself with compassion by reclaiming my energy and aligning with my ikigai (purpose in life).
I keep telling my clients: this is how you do CFT. When you feel consumed by anger toward someone or something, remember—love thy enemy—because the real enemy is often within. It’s your Shadow (the Jungian archetype) casting its darkness on your steps; it’s the ugly umbra where your light is completely blocked.
Use the blaze of your anger as a source of light: self-reflect.
Ask yourself: What is it in this person I hate that I might also hate in myself? What is it, what is it, what is it? In my case, what I hated was my inability to read the room, my social ineptness. (Scratch that, let’s use growth mindset words: “learning curve in social skills”).
After you identify what it is that you hate about your “enemy,” and recognize how a piece of that belongs to your own shadow, shower it with compassion. Speak to this hurt self with love. Forgive yourself. In doing so, you begin to dissolve self-hate, and slowly, you start to love thy enemy.
With that in mind, I say to myself:
I forgive you, Melany, for your stumbles in social spaces. You are learning, and you will continue to grow. You can take concrete steps to do better. I believe in you, and you will move forward from here. It is okay to fail as long as you learn something from it. Now dust yourself off, Gen Xer. It’ll bruise, but it’ll heal.
