Two paths diverge in the variegated woods of my career. One, predictable to a certain extent, led through the Knowledge Processing Company, where I currently serve as an AI editor-analyst. The other path, full of unknowns but enticing, held the promise of fulfilling my dream as a practicing clinical psychologist.
In my head, two versions of myself walk down both paths. Two parallel worlds unfold, and in each, I see a future me struggling with regret, asking why I didn’t take the other road at the junction.
I guess it’s because I’m so Gemini. Or maybe I’m starting to think more in terms of how so many things exist as dualities, opposing forces that create a constant tension, seemingly permeating every interaction.
A few weeks ago, I got my psychologist license renewed. “Hmph,” I thought, “it’s not useless, this license. “At least, in this current job, I was made the wellness champ. But I want to do more wellness or psychology-related tasks! I’m still stuck in production. When will things change?”
Then, Holy Week came along, and the break allowed me to craft in detail what I would do if no one came along to train me as a clinician. The plan I made specified I would do it all myself—develop a psychological tool, write two books about it, and maybe even complete a dissertation.
However, something unexpected happened two weeks ago. After months of persistent applications for psychologist positions, I finally got the long-awaited callback. The job offer is tempting, immediately, the urge to quit my current job engulfed my whole being. Excited Melany yelled, “This opportunity is exactly what I’ve been asking for! And finally, finally, the chance to practice psychology after all these years! Isn’t that what I always dreamed of?”
While part of me did a happy dance, the other half had a caution sign plastered across her forehead. Hence, the two paths that diverge in the woods. Should I stay or should I go? And if I go, will it be worth the risk?
Anyone who’s hunted for a job knows that interview rounds and negotiations can drag on for weeks, sometimes even a month. Before I looked for psychologist positions, I tried to make the best of what I had—I applied for the Team Leader position in my current job, hoping to expand my leadership skills, which also touch on my psychology background. Concurrently, the psychologist job posting is in its final rounds of interviews.
I’m torn right in the middle, so to prevent myself from overthinking, I made myself a simple decision tree:
If I get promoted, I’ll stay with my current company (as a Team Leader and the wellness champ, I won’t have the sexy “psychologist” title, but my duties say otherwise).
If I don’t get promoted, I’m hightailing out of there to build my psychology career with the new company.
Simple enough, right? No. I twist and turn at night, wrestling with the repercussions of this choice, thinking of the positives and negatives, the endless “what-ifs.” Trepidations. Heart palpitations.
The truth is, even though part of me is an idealist, one who longs to fulfill her mission in life, another part of me is a pragmatist. My current company is international and stable, while the new company is a start-up. If get passed over for promotion, I’ll probably languish in my current position, stagnant and waiting for another uncertain internal job promotion. Alternatively, I could take a gamble and leapfrog into my development and join the start-up. They know what my limitations are, and they are willing to take a chance on me. Fair enough exchange.
I guess I am asking for permission to take the risk with the start-up. But whose permission? If nobody else is judging, if I am not thinking of what others might think, I would take this new job in a heartbeat. Isn’t this all I ever wanted so that I could face myself in the mirror and say, I’m a legit practitioner? Not just a theoretical one with limited clinical experience?
I reflect on my past experiences in this role. I took a shot at the profession when I was younger in my 20s; I took another shot again in my 30s. I am a different person now in my 40s. Maybe wiser, maybe more world-weary, but are these enough to propel me into growth? Will these qualities and experiences be enough to make me stand toe-to-toe with other clinicians? Should I try again or just hang up the white coat and focus solely on the other half of my identity? I could drop the “psychologist” in the writer-psychologist dyad I created for myself.
Just yesterday, I received the start-up’s job offer, but this story does not have a conclusion yet. We’re still finalizing the job offer, and I expect a game of hardball. In the meantime, I’m still waiting for news about the promotion.
The impulse to just say yes to the start-up is tempting. At the same time, there is a lingering feeling that I should back out of the deal. I am hesitant both ways.
My inner turmoil is rooted in my past. I know it.
Growing up in a traditional, sexist Chinoy culture, I was made to feel I should not exist in the first place because I’m female. I was rejected all the time, called unlovable, useless, good-for-nothing. My inner voice fears that this deep-seated need for approval might lead me to accept a job that isn’t a good fit, just for a crumb of validation.
I acknowledge that my parents did their best; they were also victims of rotten cultural beliefs. My (late) father isn’t solely to blame for my constant feelings of rejection and loneliness, nor for my desperate need for approval. “Ok, you are good! Ok, I love you,” – these magic words hold immense power over me, my fatal weakness. Uttered by any person, and I’m all in. But I see it more clearly now. Experience has taught me that this unconscious complex, this emotional baggage, shouldn’t dictate major (and even minor) life choices.
I know that I am worthy already.
Because as much as I am an emotional person, I am also a logical person. Sometimes I let my emotions take over, but when push comes to shove, I bank toward the left, the left brain where rationality defeats sentimentality.
Ultimately, my decision tree still stands. (Pun intended!) If I get promoted in my current company, I will stay. If I do not get the promotion, I will leave. I’ll take my chances elsewhere. The start-up may not have the stability and the surety of the stay-at-home arrangement, but I will get something else in return. I’ll be trying my hand at something I love, something I am curious about.
Having fallen for emotional traps before, I have learned to recognize my patterns. I also have a better sense of self-respect. I am more mature now, yes, not that dewy-eyed youth who thinks of the practice as a calling. I’ve got mouths to feed and cuts to heal. Mine especially.
If and when the promotion details and the job offer land, I’ll be meticulously comparing them. It won’t be a quick decision – I’ll sleep on it, reconsider my options thoroughly, and even seek outside help.
Only a truly compelling deal, one that is deep-level fulfilling and not just surface-clean, is worth my time and energy. May the best offer win.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
