You may not have noticed, but I disappeared for a while during the MIBF (Manila International Book Fair 2023) event. Now, I’m ready to tell you my secret.
Yesterday, I noticed that some of you were out of sorts because of the crowd. I know most writers are introverted. And this means a huge crowd scares the bejesus out of us. It’s overwhelming, particularly if you have anxiety issues like me.
You may not have noticed my squirming because of my loud voice and bold words.
But squirm, I did.
I’m an ambivert—and when I turn on my extroverted personality, I can be really, really expressive. Don’t buy into it this too much; it’s all a show. I just conserve my socializing energy for one supernova event, and then when it’s expended, I’m done. I have to go. A friend once remarked I tend to leave events abruptly and in a hurry.
Here’s what happened yesterday.
When I left the PaperKat Book (PKB) table, I was looking for something to drink. I walked towards the Book Fair’s refreshments area and saw a long, long line. I could not have waited long, so I settled for a water bottle. The stall selling it was also selling pastries. My weakness. But wait, let me explain.
I say, “my weakness” not because I love to eat pastries. I say “my weakness” because I am prone to hoarding pastries and not eating them for weeks and months until they’ve almost gone bad. I used to be the woman who kept a massive amount of cake, cookies, and other sweet things in her house because of anorexia nervosa. You may not know it, but food hoarding is one of the lesser-known side effects of the disease. I’ve been actively combating this bad habit, and I’m winning.
Still, I writhed yesterday when I saw those pastries. I wish I hadn’t. I still have mini panic attacks in a grocery store, or anywhere food is sold.
What was remarkable yesterday, though, was I was struck by how much I’ve changed in the past year. This is partly thanks to you, my PKB friends.
Over the years, I’ve developed the skill of observing myself in a detached way. Gawking at the baked goods in the stall, I noticed:
Melany looking longingly at the pastries and turning away.
Melany buying a bottle of water and congratulating herself for drinking a zero-calorie beverage, knowing fully well that she should be consuming something like juice or a healthy, calorie-containing beverage.
But I also saw Melany promising herself that she would eat an extra piece of chocolate when she gets back home. (I did what I promised later that day.)
After chugging down the bottle of water, I jumped back to socialize more. But soon after that, I ran out of energy and had to return home. (I guess this is the abrupt exit part!)
Some of you asked me if I was going to the after-event dinner, and of course, I said no. I know full well this refusal is out of the norm. Most people socialize over dinner, but I can’t. It’s just too painful, eating in public.
But even if I inwardly cringe when food is mentioned, and even if I don’t practice commensalism, I want to live. I know now that I am worth investing in. I’m worth happiness and good treatment. And what I’m doing so far, not hoarding food, eating according to my meal plan (so I eat enough not to be malnourished), not overexercising, all of that serves a higher purpose. Something to aspire for.
As I looked at all your books spread on the table, I was motivated to keep going. I was inspired to run towards my goals with every bit of strength my anorexic self could find.
My dear PKB people, you’re an interesting bunch; you’ve embraced me, flaws and all. You’re supporting my dream of becoming a published author. Because you’re in my life now, I’m healing faster, faster than before. You make me want to shine just as bright as you. And one day, my star will also be in ascendance.
The featured image on this blog was AI-generated by me using free tools, namely ChatGPT, Canva, and Leonardo AI. I use these images to support my written content creatively and cost-effectively.
